Nice English Emails

[Batta]

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't.

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Marriage is a threering circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

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For Sale: Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake.

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There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before marriage and after marriage.

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Why were hurricanes usually named after women? Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car

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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

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Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: All the DNA is the same.

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I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the checkout line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?" Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?

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Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.

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The reason congressmen try so hard to get reelected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down he aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.

As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

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Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

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Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives." Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

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Smith climbs to the top of Mt.Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute."

Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny."

Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute."

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A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy What do you think I should do?"

"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said. "Of course, John," his wife said softly. "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob." "But I thought you hated Bob," she said. With his last breath John said, "I do!"

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A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes and the Rabbi! replied, "Take the poison."



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[Batta]

The Ultimate Facts

Men:


1. All men are extremely busy.


2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.


3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.


4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.


5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.


6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off if the woman leaves them.


7. Although the woman leaves them they still don't learn from their mistakes and still try their luck with others.




Women:


1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.


2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes and stuff.


3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.


4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.


5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "an old rag".


6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.


7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.





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[Batta]

Awise Carpenter

An elderly carpenter was ready to retire. He told his employer- contractor of his plans to leave the house- building business and live a more leisurely life with his wife enjoying his extended family. He would miss the paycheck, but he needed to retire. They could get by.

The contractor was sorry to see his good worker go and asked if he could build just one more house as a personal favor. The carpenter said yes, but in time it was easy to see that his heart was not in his work. He resorted to shoddy workmanship and used inferior materials. It was an unfortunate way to end a dedicated career.

When the carpenter finished his work the employer came to inspect the house. He handed the front-door key to the carpenter.

This is your house, he said, my gift to you.

The carpenter was shocked! What a shame!

If he had only known he was building his own, he would have done it all so differently.

We do the most of the things having such thoughts in our mind. But we only realize when it comes back to us.

So it is with us. We build our lives, a day at a time, often putting less than our best into the building. Then with a shock we realize we have to live in the house that we have built. If we could do it over, we'd do it much differently. But we cannot go back.

You are the carpenter. Each day you hammer a nail, place a board, or erect a wall. Life is a do-it-yourself project, someone has said. Your attitudes and the choices you make today, build the house you live in tomorrow. Build wisely!

[احسان]

Awise Carpenter.

The carpenter was shocked! What a shame!

If he had only known he was building his own, he would have done it all so
You are the carpenter. Each day you hammer a nail, place a board, or erect a wall. Life is a do-it-yourself project, someone has said. Your attitudes and the choices you make today, build the house you live in tomorrow. Build wisely!

Really it is so bad , we are selfish he want to help him and he is thinking to take mony and leave , really it is true story we are like this man who build the home

If we do ask our God say to us ( love to your brother As you love to your self ) really going to be good

Nice topic honey I like it

God bless you

[Batta]

Really it is so bad , we are selfish he want to help him and he is thinking to take mony and leave , really it is true story we are like this man who build the home

If we do ask our God say to us ( love to your brother As you love to your self ) really going to be good

Nice topic honey I like it

God bless you

Much of thanks,I7san.

Its really amazing 2 know that,theres ,agood ,deep

in ourselves.

[Batta]

THE BOSS






A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead:

"I'm afraid he died last week." she explains.


The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.

"I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."



The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts:

"I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"


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"Coz . . ." he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it. . . ."




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[Batta]

DIVORCE VS. MURDER


A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eye got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license!

They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."





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[The Sniper]

hi everybody here

firstly I'd like 2 thank ma sis batta 4 such a nice topic

& I've a few words about inspiring that i wanna share with all of u
hope u'll enjoy that


V
V
V
V


Take that inspiring risk that you've been avoiding.
Be bold.
Do something crazy.
Dare to experiment with your life.
The incredible positive effects of that action will completely transform your life.


ma regards

[Batta]

Hi every body

Hi THE SNIPER

thanks 4 coming by

THE CARPENTER
Once upon a time two brothers who lived on adjoining farms fell into conflict.

It was the first serious rift in 40 years of farming side by side, sharing machinery, and trading labor and goods as needed without a hitch.Then the long collaboration fell apart. It began with a small misunderstanding and it grew into a major difference, and finally it exploded into an exchange of bitter words followed by weeks of silence.

One morning there was a knock on John's door. He opened it to find a man with a carpenter's toolbox. "I'm looking for a few days work" he said."Perhaps you would have a few small jobs here and there I could help with? Could I help you?

"Yes," said the older brother. "I do have a job for you. Look across the creek at that farm. That's my neighbor, in fact, it's my younger brother.Last week there was a meadow between us and he took his bulldozer to the river levee and now there is a creek between us.

Well, he may have done this to spite me, but I'll go him one better. See that pile of lumber by the barn?I want you to build me a fence - - an 8-foot fence -- so I won't need to see his place or his face anymore."

The carpenter said, "I think I understand the situation. Show me the nails and the post hole digger and I'll be able to do a job that pleases you."

The older brother had to go to town, so he helped the carpenter get the materials ready and then he was off for the day. The carpenter worked hard all that day measuring, sawing, nailing, and hammering.

About sunset when the farmer returned, the carpenter had just finished his job. The farmer's eyes opened wide, his jaw dropped. There was no fence there at all.

It was a bridge -- a bridge stretching from one side of the creek to the other! A fine piece of work handrails and all -- and the neighbor, his younger brother, was coming across, his hand outstretched."You are quite a fellow to build this bridge after all I've said and done."

The two brothers stood at each end of the bridge, and then they met in the middle, taking each other's hand. They turned to see the carpenter hoist his toolbox on his shoulder.

"No, wait! Stay a few days. I've a lot of other projects for you," said the older brother.

"I'd love to stay on," the carpenter said, "but, I have many more love bridges to build."

[Batta]

A Best Break_Letter



A soldier stationed in Afghanistan recently received a letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:


Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us.

I'm sorry.

Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky....... .......



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The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or ex-girlfriends. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note:


Dear Becky,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the hell you are.

Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care,

Ricky



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[Batta]

Never Lie To Your MOM

A Mom comes to visit her son Kumar for dinner.....who lives with a girl roommate Sunita. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Kumar's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Kumar and his roommate than met the eye.



Reading his mom's thoughts, Kumar volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Sunita and I are just roommates." About a week later, Sunita came! to Kumar saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Kumar said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, jjust to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the silver plate .. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Kumar

Several days later, Kumar received an email from his Mother which read

Dear Son:

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Sunita, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Sunita. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now under the pillow...

Love,

Mom.

[Batta]

polishing
When u feel God is rubbing u against rocks,
Don't think that he' ll ruin u down to dust...

Its just His way of polishing a GEM....
Stay precious,


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Never be sad for missing whatever you expected

But be happy since god made you to realize that

Those expectations are not worth in ur life.


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Luck is not in your hands,
But work is in your hands.

Your work can make luck
But luck can't make ur work."
So always trust URSELF.....


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Gr8 opportunities come to all,
Bt many dont knw they have met them.

The only preparation 2take advantage of them is...
To watch what each day brings.

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[Batta]

Strategy

Ahmed and Hamid are both beggars at several motorway services in England.

Ahmed drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend .

Hamid only brings in 2 to 3 pounds a day. Hamid asks Ahmed how he manages to bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day.


Ahmed says, "Look at your sign. It says, "I have no work, a wife and six kids to support."

Britons who see that do not feel as if they have accomplished anything by giving you money. You will still have no job and a large family. Now look at my sign."


So Hamid looks up and Ahmed's sign reads: "I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan "

[Batta]

ROSE IN UR LIFE


IF YOU DESIRE TO BLOSSOM LIKE A ROSE IN THE GARDEN,

FIRST LEARN THE ART OF ADJUSTING WITH THORNS



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Walking through life

Contrary to popular belief,

The great men are not born great.

God uses trials and turmoil to make them great!


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PRAYER is not a spare wheel, that you pull out when you are in trouble. USE it as a steering WHEEL, that keep you on RIGHT path through out the life.


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LIFE IS NO WHERE - can be read as - LIFE IS NOW HERE.



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| good things in life | Be bold when you | ENJOY TODAY | HAPPINESS is the delicate |



| Life is only travelled | Life | Life is a one way | The most determinative | Persistence matters... |



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[Batta]

A Potatoes Story


A kindergarten teacher has decided to let her class play a game.

The teacher told each child in the class to bring along a plastic bag containing a few potatoes. Each potato will be given a name of a person that the child hates, so the number of potatoes that a child will put in his/her plastic bag will depend on the number of people he/she hates.

So when the day came, every child brought some potatoes with the name of the people he/she hated. Some had 2 potatoes; some 3 while some up to 5 potatoes.

The teacher then told the children to carry with them the potatoes in the plastic bag wherever they go (even to the toilet) for 1 week.

Days after days passed by, and the children started to complain due to the unpleasant smell let out by the rotten potatoes.

Besides, those having 5 potatoes also had to carry heavier bags. After 1 week, the children were relieved because the game had finally ended.

The teacher asked: "How did you feel while carrying the potatoes with you for 1 week?"

The children let out their frustrations and started complaining of the trouble that they had to go through having to carry the heavy and smelly potatoes wherever they go.

Then the teacher told them the hidden meaning behind the game. The teacher said: "This is exactly the situation when you carry your hatred for somebody inside your heart.

The stench of hatred will contaminate your heart and you will carry it with you wherever you go. If you cannot tolerate the smell of rotten potatoes for just 1 week, can you imagine what is it like to have the stench of hatred in your heart for your lifetime?"

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Moral of the Hatred (Human Vices) story:

Throw away any hatred for anyone from your heart so that you will not carry sins for a lifetime. Forgiving others is the best attitude to take. "Learn to Forgive and Forget."





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[Batta]

How the company views its employees. (HE VS SHE)



1. The family picture is on HIS desk.
Ah, a solid, responsible family man.

The family picture is on HER desk.
Umm, her family will come before her career.


2. HIS desk is cluttered.
He's obviously a hard worker and a busy man.

HER desk is cluttered.
She's obviously a disorganised scatterbrain


3. HE is talking with his co-workers.
He must be discussing the latest deal

SHE is talking with her co-workers.
She must be gossiping.


4. HE's not at his desk.
He must be at a meeting.

SHE's not at her desk.
She must be in the ladies' room.


5. HE's not in the office.
He's meeting with customers.

SHE's not in the office.
She must be out shopping.


6. HE's having lunch with the boss.
He's on his way up.

SHE's having lunch with the boss.
They must be having an affair.


7. The boss criticised HIM.
He'll prove his performance.

The boss criticized HER.
She'll be very upset.


8. HE got an unfair deal.
Did he get angry?

SHE got an unfair deal.
Did she cry?


9. HE's getting married.
He'll get more settled.

SHE's getting married.
She'll get pregnant and leave.


10. HE's having a baby.
He'll need a raise.

SHE's having a baby.
She'll cost the company money in maternity benefits.


11. HE's going on a business trip.
It's good for his career.

SHE's going on a business trip.
What does her husband say?



12. HE's leaving for a better job.
He knows how to recognise a good opportunity.


SHE's leaving for a better job.
Women are not dependable.





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[Batta]

A cow from alberta


The only cow in a small town in USA stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from BC Canada for 1,000 dollars, or one from Alberta Canada for 800 dollars. Being poor, they bought the cow from Alberta.

The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.

However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the rabbi what was happening; "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side.

The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Alberta?"

The people were dumbfounded. They had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. "You are truly a wise rabbi. How did you know we got the cow from Alberta?

"The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Alberta."



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[Batta]

English Teacher


English Teacher: Make a sentence using "Neither-Nor"

Naughty boy Student: When girls wear tight fitting dresses,

"NEiTHER" are they comfortable, "NOR" are we!



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A sardar learning English introduces his family in the party:

Hi! I am sardar,
This is my sardarni,
He is my kid,
& she is my kidney.



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"FRIENDS STAND BEHIND U DURING UR BAD TIMES"

Do u want a documentary proof ??

Ok,In future check out ur marriage album..U'll find al frns behind u !!!



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Kissing a woman at her FOREHEAD is Respect

At her LIPS is Love
CHEEKis Heroism
NECK is Lust

BUT KISSING HER IN FRONT OF HER HUSBAND IS BRAVERY.

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[احمرعين]

Hi Batta

thanks alot for all you have herein used to bring... really I enjoy most of them if not all...I laughed like I have never been laughed and learnt too... thanks for offering us a time to laugh after we are about to forget laughing...please keep going this way always.... thanks for keeping this board alive , attractive and amusing too.

[Batta]

Thanks alot A7mar 3ain>

its been nice 2 have u around,keep comin,n i promise2

provide u more laughters